I never know what to put in here when I start out. It's best to start at the beginning, right? So here I go.
I've been a - well I don't want to say "Fan" but maybe participant of social/dating websites since my divorce and found them to be sometimes trying and most times unfruitful. Meaning, that for the most part I found people to be superficial. Superficial in that their agenda didn't meet mine. Ok I do have to admit it was fun when I started and it was different. Meeting men in my local vicinity, well I'm not impressed. It doesn't help the fact that I worked in the local police department both in the records section and then I did a year in dispatch. And the bar scene, well it literally sucks. So it was the internet or nothing.
I can say I did enjoy some of the friendships that were developed so it wasn't all bad, and there were several sites that I did visit. It just so happened that on the day I came home from my surgery, I did have a conversation with this guy who called himself "Elmo". And we have been chatting/emailing since. He is a very private person and though I have known him now for almost 4 years now. Amazingly this relationship still grows more and more daily. We always tell each other that we love each other. There is a bond there that can't be denied. Though he's not here physically, mentally he is everyday of every moment. We understand that there is distance between us and we both have agreed to keep our options open. He had a really tough divorce when his wife left him for a woman. I like to think I have helped him renew his faith and learn to love again. We are best friends! He knows more about me than most people and I can open up to him and he's there for me.
I bet you are wondering how is it possible not to meet this guy in person. Like I said he's a very private person. In fact I didn't learn his children's names until this last year. He's also a very devoted father. Because of his previous wife abandoning his children, he wants to protect them from that happening again. He says that he will retire in about 3 years and if we are still wanting to meet up - we will.
Looking at this relationship as it stands, I feel this is the best way for me to get to know him. Just because we aren't in a physical space doesn't mean that you can't bond. I probably know more about him than alot of his personal friends. Yes, we don't spend every day, of every minute together - but I do spend hours upon hours with him during the week. He's handsome, funny, responsible, the life of the party, respectful, and never without a word to say. Once in a while he will go out on a "date" but I believe him that nothing has happened. He always tells me that he has no reason to lie. And there have been times where he has told me the truth and it has hurt, but for some reason I can't get mad for him telling me the truth. There was a time - it about a couple of months into our friendship where he said he was going to date someone and wouldn't be able to chat with me. I didn't have a problem with it but I did have a hard time with it. I missed him so much - but I never reached out to him, emailed him or anything. I felt this was his decision and I was going to live with it. About 2 months later - he reached out to me. I was never so happy in my life!!! My best friend was back.
As I have said we are both open to dating other people. I've always told him I didn't want him to stop living because of the circumstances of us not being able to meet yet. I have honestly tried but it's really hard when you compare men to him. I look for the immediate spark and there isn't any. And then I find men don't know how to talk to women. And some of the men will set up a date and then all of a sudden they have an emergency. Whatever.
I don't know what will happen when we do meet but I do know that we have a bond that is unbreakable. It's been going strong for almost 4 years and I'm sure the next 3 years will only make us stronger. There's a quote that states if he doesn't make you his priority then you shouldn't be his option. Normally I would be all for that but there are exceptions. Because of the circumstance with his divorce, leaving him to raise 3 children, and then protecting them from feeling abandoned once again - this would be an exception. He does make me feel beautiful (he tells me this all the time), worthy, and special. Isn't that what love is about? I stroke his ego, he strokes mine. We share our dreams and goals and if we should meet, what a day that will be. I have do have to be careful because what if something should happen? He always tells me he wants me to meet someone that will make me happy. It hasn't happened yet and I don't know if it will. Patty Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) states in order to find love you have to make it your priority. It's kind of hard when you live in the middle of nowhere and there isn't a whole lot going on.
So as we (Ron and I) continue to bond and grow - only time will tell.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Another Chance
I felt I needed to write about my one friend, Laura, who about a little over a year ago we had a major falling out. We met at our last job where I was the Training Coordinator and she was training to be a technician. We hit it off immediately and were together constantly. We were there for each other through our ups and downs, life situations and just there for each other. While my children were grown, hers were younger and I grew to love them as if I was her mother. Her last daughter was born a couple of years ago and when she told me the due date was in May, I told her she better have her on my birthday. Well, she tried and she was damn close. Illiana was born on 6 May, where my birthday is 7 May. She immediately told me she wanted me to be her God-Mother. Our friendship continued to grow. There came a time I was moved from being a Training Coordinator to Team Lead Supervisor on the floor - and she was too at the time. During this one day, as a Team Lead we all had to take turns running the calls and to ensure everyone was on task. We were busy with all the calls coming in and on this one particular day, I was in charge. She came into work and I could see she wasn't taking calls. So I sent her an IM asking her what she was doing and that we needed her to help. She came back at me basically saying to mind my own business and if I had a problem with it to get with the boss. Wow - that just blew me away, that she would talk to me like that and being it was unprofessional. I can honestly say, I can be your friend away from work, I can be professional at work - and many friends have seen this. I don't play favorites when it comes to the job. I know some people have a hard time with this, but I seem to know how to separate the two. Because of being hurt like this, I refused to talk to her - yes, I was professional when it came to the job, but other than that, I decided I didn't want anything to do with her. I had also told Ann - Ann was the Human Resources Manager and my friend. She saw how hurt I was by this and she was so affected by this that she tried to get Laura and I to talk to each other again - by making us confront each other. We each apologized for the infractions and we continued our friendship.
There came a time when Ann left the company and offered Laura a job. Laura took the job and then there were health issues with her father - so there came a time she had to call in stating she had to leave to go for her dad - as he was having surgery. Somehow Ann heard through the grapevine that she didn't go - so basically they had a falling out over this. Laura never went back because Ann told her she was fired. At this time Ann and Laura were working for this company that was located about 100 miles from me. Laura still lived here and Ann lived closer to her job. From what I understand, Ann had heard from someone here about what Laura had done and Ann tried her best for me to break off my friendship with Laura. Maybe that was a sign of what was about to happen.
I have a facebook account where I keep up with my family and friends, and Ann and Laura were on my account. I had posted something about my son - something to show I was proud of him. Next thing I see on the comments - there's Ann and Laura going at it on my facebook. I was taken back by this and really pissed. I deleted the comments and added my own - something to the affect that I was not amused by their posts as these comments should have been about my son and not their own situation. I get a phone call from Ann, to which she apologized and I accepted. I get a text from Laura - where she basically said Ann started it. I sent a text back saying - that she should have been more mature and just ignored it. I then deleted and blocked Laura. Maybe deep down that the was the ultimate goal that Ann had. It seemed to get her goat that Laura and I had remained friends, but I wasn't the one who had the issue with Laura.
So it had been about a year, I hadn't seen or heard from Laura and then BAM! God seriously had to have a role in bringing us back together. Yes, I did miss her. See I keep my circle of friends small and I don't try to draw attention to myself. I live in a small town - and if you know anything about small towns - everybody knows everything about everybody. I am excluded from that because I keep my life private. And though I like to make friends, my circle is tight. I guess you could also say that I have a shell around me. So last Saturday, I needed to go to WalMart, I parked, shopped came back out to my car and guess who parked next to me.... Yes, it was Laura and her kids. My first thought was I could just blow her off or I could be cordial and see where it went from there. I decided the cordial thing was the right thing to do and it worked out. We decided to meet up at my house later and catch up. Yes, we apologized and promised NEVER to let anyone come between us again. I will have to keep this friendship from Ann but that's ok too, I will do it. Laura and I have been through so much and for a longer time than Ann and I. And since Ann now lives in Florida, it shouldn't matter.
We are still catching up and we'll see where we go from here. We have a secret phrase we use on Facebook - 121. To us this is for each other - to remind us of the date we met and got back together after the fight. Strange that we met on 1/21/2007 and then we rekindled our friendship on 1/21/2012. There are reasons why people come in and out of our lives, I can see now she is meant to be here.
There came a time when Ann left the company and offered Laura a job. Laura took the job and then there were health issues with her father - so there came a time she had to call in stating she had to leave to go for her dad - as he was having surgery. Somehow Ann heard through the grapevine that she didn't go - so basically they had a falling out over this. Laura never went back because Ann told her she was fired. At this time Ann and Laura were working for this company that was located about 100 miles from me. Laura still lived here and Ann lived closer to her job. From what I understand, Ann had heard from someone here about what Laura had done and Ann tried her best for me to break off my friendship with Laura. Maybe that was a sign of what was about to happen.
I have a facebook account where I keep up with my family and friends, and Ann and Laura were on my account. I had posted something about my son - something to show I was proud of him. Next thing I see on the comments - there's Ann and Laura going at it on my facebook. I was taken back by this and really pissed. I deleted the comments and added my own - something to the affect that I was not amused by their posts as these comments should have been about my son and not their own situation. I get a phone call from Ann, to which she apologized and I accepted. I get a text from Laura - where she basically said Ann started it. I sent a text back saying - that she should have been more mature and just ignored it. I then deleted and blocked Laura. Maybe deep down that the was the ultimate goal that Ann had. It seemed to get her goat that Laura and I had remained friends, but I wasn't the one who had the issue with Laura.
So it had been about a year, I hadn't seen or heard from Laura and then BAM! God seriously had to have a role in bringing us back together. Yes, I did miss her. See I keep my circle of friends small and I don't try to draw attention to myself. I live in a small town - and if you know anything about small towns - everybody knows everything about everybody. I am excluded from that because I keep my life private. And though I like to make friends, my circle is tight. I guess you could also say that I have a shell around me. So last Saturday, I needed to go to WalMart, I parked, shopped came back out to my car and guess who parked next to me.... Yes, it was Laura and her kids. My first thought was I could just blow her off or I could be cordial and see where it went from there. I decided the cordial thing was the right thing to do and it worked out. We decided to meet up at my house later and catch up. Yes, we apologized and promised NEVER to let anyone come between us again. I will have to keep this friendship from Ann but that's ok too, I will do it. Laura and I have been through so much and for a longer time than Ann and I. And since Ann now lives in Florida, it shouldn't matter.
We are still catching up and we'll see where we go from here. We have a secret phrase we use on Facebook - 121. To us this is for each other - to remind us of the date we met and got back together after the fight. Strange that we met on 1/21/2007 and then we rekindled our friendship on 1/21/2012. There are reasons why people come in and out of our lives, I can see now she is meant to be here.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Forgive and Forget?
I wasn't sure where I wanted to go when I started writing so I thought I'd put the title in later. It was a toss up to either talk about women and their infidelity or my mother. I think I'll do the mother thing.
From what I understand from what my mother told me, her parents were very strict and she was an only child. From what I gathered during my childhood, I suspect that infidelity was the issue. After the divorce, or maybe even before the divorce, I'm not sure that my mother didn't have some issues in that area. She raised her girls to be respectful, to have moral character - to include that we shouldn't have sex prior to marriage. Since I was born in the late 50's, that was suppose to be the way of the world. I really don't remember much interaction between my mother and father, except the fighting and then I didn't even understand it. I just remember how she was after the divorce. Oh wait, I do remember an incident where my mother was arrested for shoplifting and she was in jail for 3 days. My dad was all about let's keeping this to ourselves and no one should know. However, this was a side of my mother that continued throughout her life. She'd steal from her friends or anyone. She was a kleptomaniac. Which come to think of it, I believe it was part of her selfish character.
Ok I know I shouldn't say bad things about my mother, but I'm always one to come out and say what's on my mind, if asked. She was never an angel and I'm also the type of person where I see character flaws, I have real issues with it. I'm no angel either but I do have a strict code I live by.
When my parents got divorced I just saw the ugly side of her which I have no doubt this had to do with how she was raised. I loved my grandparents and I never saw that side of them. I remember one time I was staying with them and I can't remember why - but I got pissed. So I went into their bathroom and locked the door from the inside and walked out closing the door behind me. Needless to say, they got pissed right back. My grandfather had to climb in through the bathroom window to unlock the door. Thank goodness they lived on the first floor of the apartment building. Look at me, I'm being distracted.
There were numerous occasions where my mother's selfishness were prevalent. She had 6 kids to raise on government assistance, with little support from my dad. But there were many times she would go out and buy herself things and little for us. Just to prove a point, I approached my mom one day and told her I needed more underwear. She told me to go ask my father. I knew in the back of my mind that my dad would say that he pays child support for that, and he did.
During this time she would also have male friends come over, if they would bring the beer. There were quite a few - one was even named Robin Hood. I was not impressed. One of my best friends lived caddy corner from us and my mother would go over to visit her mother. I knew something was up because I mother doesn't do that. My friend's mother had a boyfriend by the name of Tom. One day I came home from school to find out he was moving in. WTF? If he would do that to my friend's mother, he would do this to my mother. And you know, sometimes you just get this creepy feeling? Well I got it with him. There were several pervs that gave me that creepy feeling...One was a paramedic and he always told us that he did photography on the side. He would also ask us if we wanted to go into his darkroom to see what developed. Ok - back to the Tom episode. I had an issue with the majority of these men coming into our home, so I would occasionally walk up to them and tell them I hated them. My mother would go upstairs and she would call me to come up. I was in for it now. She laid into me, well she even laid my head into the concrete wall and made me go apologize. I found the only reprieve was to stay away from the house as much as possible. So I stayed at a friend's house - she lived across the street. I remember one night in particular, it was getting dark and my mother called me in. She went upstairs and there was Tom sitting in the dark in the living room. He told me to sit and he lectured me. I can't say for how long but the main point he was trying to push across to me was how he was going to provide for us and take care of us. All I heard was blah, blah, blah. Eventually he and my mom were supposedly looking at houses and I kept my ground. Didn't like him, never will. I remember my mom told me he was supposed to come over and he never showed. I probably had a lot to do with that, and my mother probably never forgave me for that.
Then there was this guy Joe who worked on the Shrimp boats. If I remember correctly he had probably served time too. I remember he would come home every night and sit in the recliner and smoke a pipe. I'll be damned if he wasn't smoking weed in that damn pipe. One night when I was upstairs and you could really smell it. I called my mom to come up and I told her - Did you know Joe is smoking weed in his pipe? She went downstairs and asked him, came back up and said yeah he's smoking weed. Really? Ummm we are living in government housing and you are going to subject your children to this, let alone we could lose our housing....
My mother didn't work, she had no skills and she had too many children to work. Half the time she was on Valium or drinking and she didn't care how we did in school. The kids were in charge of cooking and cleaning so I'd say she had it pretty easy. Except for the money thing. I know for one thing, if we went to KMart - I'd stay away from her cause I didn't want to get caught with her shoplifting. Yeah I did it too, later in life - but look at my role model. And once I turned 18 I quit.
Given the chance, my mom was not active in my life once I grew up and she was never involved in her grandchildren. I was really hoping that would've been different but it was never meant to be.
My mother passed away about 4 years ago, see this is the number thing and I don't keep count. As soon as I heard I found a flight to get over to Florida. I should have stayed home after what I found out. I arrive and my sisters take me to lunch. During lunch we were discussing what was being done with her remains. My sister, Rayanne (9 months younger than me), tells me that she is going to be cremated and buried next to Danny (see previous blog). OMFG are you kidding me? Let me give you some background.
After Danny's funeral and things settled down there came a time where I reached out to all my sisters so we could get some money together to put a marker on his grave site because he didn't have one. Everyone agreed that would be the thing to do. So I called my mother and she told me that the cemetery lost the paperwork on his grave site so basically he was buried there and they didn't know where. I wasn't happy, in fact heart broken, but I went along with it. So back to the lunch....
I turned to Rayanne and I said that I thought his grave site was lost. She told me that mom told me that because she was scared that dad hadn't paid for the funeral. I was SO PISSED! Of all the things she did in her life, she lied to me about my brother when I wanted to put a marker on his grave site. Needless to say, the memorial was a waste as I was so pissed and everything a mother should have been was displayed because the mother I knew did the worse thing she could have done - lied to me! And not just any lie, it was a lie that was due to her being selfish.
When my grandmother passed away she left some money to my mother, and from what I understand she wanted her to give us some. We never saw a penny, instead she bought a house. Did she buy a marker for her son's grave? No. She knew where he was buried. She lead me to believe all these years that he was lost in that cemetery with no marker.
Forgive and forget? I can't. The is the ultimate lie, the ultimate let down, the unforgivable. The bible tells us to forgive but it doesn't tell us to forget. And I know everyone will tell me that until I forgive, I will carry this with me for the rest of my life. I just can't. Not only did she do this to me, she did this to my brother. She might as well have stuck a knife in my heart because that is exactly what it feels like.
I can only say that because of the things she did wrong in raising her children, when I became a mother I did a whole lot better. I taught my children to respect, to have moral character, to have integrity and hold your head high and I was their example to follow. I was their leader, their teacher, the supporter and so much more.
And yes, I will live with this for the rest of my life and that is fine for me. I will never forgive or forget, because I can't. How can a mother do that and not have a conscience?
From what I understand from what my mother told me, her parents were very strict and she was an only child. From what I gathered during my childhood, I suspect that infidelity was the issue. After the divorce, or maybe even before the divorce, I'm not sure that my mother didn't have some issues in that area. She raised her girls to be respectful, to have moral character - to include that we shouldn't have sex prior to marriage. Since I was born in the late 50's, that was suppose to be the way of the world. I really don't remember much interaction between my mother and father, except the fighting and then I didn't even understand it. I just remember how she was after the divorce. Oh wait, I do remember an incident where my mother was arrested for shoplifting and she was in jail for 3 days. My dad was all about let's keeping this to ourselves and no one should know. However, this was a side of my mother that continued throughout her life. She'd steal from her friends or anyone. She was a kleptomaniac. Which come to think of it, I believe it was part of her selfish character.
Ok I know I shouldn't say bad things about my mother, but I'm always one to come out and say what's on my mind, if asked. She was never an angel and I'm also the type of person where I see character flaws, I have real issues with it. I'm no angel either but I do have a strict code I live by.
When my parents got divorced I just saw the ugly side of her which I have no doubt this had to do with how she was raised. I loved my grandparents and I never saw that side of them. I remember one time I was staying with them and I can't remember why - but I got pissed. So I went into their bathroom and locked the door from the inside and walked out closing the door behind me. Needless to say, they got pissed right back. My grandfather had to climb in through the bathroom window to unlock the door. Thank goodness they lived on the first floor of the apartment building. Look at me, I'm being distracted.
There were numerous occasions where my mother's selfishness were prevalent. She had 6 kids to raise on government assistance, with little support from my dad. But there were many times she would go out and buy herself things and little for us. Just to prove a point, I approached my mom one day and told her I needed more underwear. She told me to go ask my father. I knew in the back of my mind that my dad would say that he pays child support for that, and he did.
During this time she would also have male friends come over, if they would bring the beer. There were quite a few - one was even named Robin Hood. I was not impressed. One of my best friends lived caddy corner from us and my mother would go over to visit her mother. I knew something was up because I mother doesn't do that. My friend's mother had a boyfriend by the name of Tom. One day I came home from school to find out he was moving in. WTF? If he would do that to my friend's mother, he would do this to my mother. And you know, sometimes you just get this creepy feeling? Well I got it with him. There were several pervs that gave me that creepy feeling...One was a paramedic and he always told us that he did photography on the side. He would also ask us if we wanted to go into his darkroom to see what developed. Ok - back to the Tom episode. I had an issue with the majority of these men coming into our home, so I would occasionally walk up to them and tell them I hated them. My mother would go upstairs and she would call me to come up. I was in for it now. She laid into me, well she even laid my head into the concrete wall and made me go apologize. I found the only reprieve was to stay away from the house as much as possible. So I stayed at a friend's house - she lived across the street. I remember one night in particular, it was getting dark and my mother called me in. She went upstairs and there was Tom sitting in the dark in the living room. He told me to sit and he lectured me. I can't say for how long but the main point he was trying to push across to me was how he was going to provide for us and take care of us. All I heard was blah, blah, blah. Eventually he and my mom were supposedly looking at houses and I kept my ground. Didn't like him, never will. I remember my mom told me he was supposed to come over and he never showed. I probably had a lot to do with that, and my mother probably never forgave me for that.
Then there was this guy Joe who worked on the Shrimp boats. If I remember correctly he had probably served time too. I remember he would come home every night and sit in the recliner and smoke a pipe. I'll be damned if he wasn't smoking weed in that damn pipe. One night when I was upstairs and you could really smell it. I called my mom to come up and I told her - Did you know Joe is smoking weed in his pipe? She went downstairs and asked him, came back up and said yeah he's smoking weed. Really? Ummm we are living in government housing and you are going to subject your children to this, let alone we could lose our housing....
My mother didn't work, she had no skills and she had too many children to work. Half the time she was on Valium or drinking and she didn't care how we did in school. The kids were in charge of cooking and cleaning so I'd say she had it pretty easy. Except for the money thing. I know for one thing, if we went to KMart - I'd stay away from her cause I didn't want to get caught with her shoplifting. Yeah I did it too, later in life - but look at my role model. And once I turned 18 I quit.
Given the chance, my mom was not active in my life once I grew up and she was never involved in her grandchildren. I was really hoping that would've been different but it was never meant to be.
My mother passed away about 4 years ago, see this is the number thing and I don't keep count. As soon as I heard I found a flight to get over to Florida. I should have stayed home after what I found out. I arrive and my sisters take me to lunch. During lunch we were discussing what was being done with her remains. My sister, Rayanne (9 months younger than me), tells me that she is going to be cremated and buried next to Danny (see previous blog). OMFG are you kidding me? Let me give you some background.
After Danny's funeral and things settled down there came a time where I reached out to all my sisters so we could get some money together to put a marker on his grave site because he didn't have one. Everyone agreed that would be the thing to do. So I called my mother and she told me that the cemetery lost the paperwork on his grave site so basically he was buried there and they didn't know where. I wasn't happy, in fact heart broken, but I went along with it. So back to the lunch....
I turned to Rayanne and I said that I thought his grave site was lost. She told me that mom told me that because she was scared that dad hadn't paid for the funeral. I was SO PISSED! Of all the things she did in her life, she lied to me about my brother when I wanted to put a marker on his grave site. Needless to say, the memorial was a waste as I was so pissed and everything a mother should have been was displayed because the mother I knew did the worse thing she could have done - lied to me! And not just any lie, it was a lie that was due to her being selfish.
When my grandmother passed away she left some money to my mother, and from what I understand she wanted her to give us some. We never saw a penny, instead she bought a house. Did she buy a marker for her son's grave? No. She knew where he was buried. She lead me to believe all these years that he was lost in that cemetery with no marker.
Forgive and forget? I can't. The is the ultimate lie, the ultimate let down, the unforgivable. The bible tells us to forgive but it doesn't tell us to forget. And I know everyone will tell me that until I forgive, I will carry this with me for the rest of my life. I just can't. Not only did she do this to me, she did this to my brother. She might as well have stuck a knife in my heart because that is exactly what it feels like.
I can only say that because of the things she did wrong in raising her children, when I became a mother I did a whole lot better. I taught my children to respect, to have moral character, to have integrity and hold your head high and I was their example to follow. I was their leader, their teacher, the supporter and so much more.
And yes, I will live with this for the rest of my life and that is fine for me. I will never forgive or forget, because I can't. How can a mother do that and not have a conscience?
Friday, January 13, 2012
Oh Danny Boy....
This blog is about my brother, Daniel William Ward Denomme, born May 22, 1969. This one is hard to write and I've lived with this my whole life. You could say it became a part of who I am.
There are some questions about how he came about because there were questionable circumstances. I had never really put any real thought to it till a few years ago. If you look at my sisters, he didn't look anything like anyone else. We all had brown hair - he had blonde hair. My mother had red hair, my father dark brown. Then there's the way my father acted toward the circumstance and my brother. Let me give you the story.
Prior to his birth, he was actually supposed to be born around the 28th of April of that year but there were circumstances that prevented that. My mother would go into labor and since her OB/GYN was on vacation, his substitute would try to delay the birth with medication. If you look at this length of time - my mother carried him almost 10 months. My mother and father were separated before his birth and while she was enjoying her freedom, sharing herself with just about anyone that would walk in the door. So that's where I question his paternity. I'm not sure of when my father and mother spent time together and when these other guys started walking in the door. There were circumstances in which I was a part of that he was actually born.
Remember at about this time I'm only in 5th grade. My mother had me go to a neighbor's trailer to do laundry and the son of the neighbor told me how to work the machine. He forgot an important factor - he forgot to tell me to put the hose in the sink, thus my mother and myself were mopping up water. All of a sudden she said she had to go to the hospital because she was in labor so I finished. So yeah, I'll never forget that.
Come to find out my brother was born with Cerebral Palsy and brain damage. We found out he was born with this condition because the cord was wrapped around his neck. The unfortunate thing was there was no telling how long it had been like this. So if he was born on his due date, or thereabouts, would he have been more functional? My mother was hounded by lawyers as they stated she had a case, but she refused. She said she didn't feel right about making money off of him like that. He ended up being my life and I did all I could to make things easier for my mom - who had 4 girls to deal with. He was always happy and as he grew he would lay on the floor and learned to roll around and laugh.
I remember one night in particular where he was crying and it wasn't his normal cry. My mother was frustrated and she wasn't getting any sleep. She would go in and yell at him, and yes - she would spank him. I got up and told her to go to bed that I would take over. I rocked him all night long until he finally went to sleep. My mother kept me home from school and she took him to the doctor. Come to find out he had epilepsy.
During this time my father wasn't sending support and my mother had to figure out where we would live. The company who owned the trailer wanted to evict us but because my brother was handicapped they couldn't. My mother finally called the Sheriff's Department and told them they had to in order for us to be moved into the "Projects".
I have often wondered why my father acted differently toward my brother - like he didn't accept him. I'm not sure if it was because of my brother's condition or was it the paternity. I have never asked him because this I felt was between him and my mother. But it is something I have thought about.
For the most part, I did what I could to keep my brother happy and make his life easy. Eventually my mother decided we couldn't handle him anymore as he was getting to big to handle. We eventually put him in an institution where he could get the care he needed. My mother met up with a woman who had a daughter there (my mother had never learned to drive) and she would take one of us up with her on her visit with him.
I remember one time I was there and we were waiting for my brother to be brought out. I saw a girl, who was handicapped, and I smiled at her. She came back at me saying "What are you laughing at?" Boy did that hurt, but I understood. I know she was just lashing out because she wasn't used to people just smiling at her, that she knew she was different. How sad to be a person in that position and not be able to trust people because she felt no one was giving her a smile - she thought the whole world was laughing. This world can be so cruel.
Eventually I moved to my dad's and didn't see much of Danny and I joined the Air Force. I was at my first base in Hawaii - arrived in September 1979. In January 1980, I was informed by my First Sergeant that my brother had passed away. Seeing that Hawaii was considered in an Overseas location, I had to catch a military flight back to the states and I was able to borrow money for the flight within the states. Understand that back in my day when I joined the Air Force, when we had to fly on a military flight, you were required to wear your blues. Since I had just joined not too long before that, my blues consisted of a skirt, blues jacket, blouse. When we were walking out on the tarmac I saw this plane - come to find out it was a C-130. Looking at this plane, there wasn't a walkway leading to the door. Holy crap! There's a friggin' ladder and it goes straight up. So here I am with my arms full and in a skirt. The loadmaster advised me to get at the back of the line since I was in a skirt. As I'm getting ready to climb this ladder with my backpack, he tells me I need to hold my skirt closed. My response was.... "If you haven't already seen what I've got, then you are the with the problem" and I continued to climb the ladder with no regard to holding my skirt closed. Shit my life was more important at that time considering I'm scared as hell of heights.
The funeral was hard on me as he was the first to pass in our family and I have carried this throughout my life. I like to think it's just him showing me that he still remembers everything I did for him. My mother made sure that my father was responsible for his funeral costs. Little did I know, that this would come up later...another blog to follow soon I'm sure.
When Danny was born we've always held this song true to him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jgma--0WYU
Danny I love and Miss you!
There are some questions about how he came about because there were questionable circumstances. I had never really put any real thought to it till a few years ago. If you look at my sisters, he didn't look anything like anyone else. We all had brown hair - he had blonde hair. My mother had red hair, my father dark brown. Then there's the way my father acted toward the circumstance and my brother. Let me give you the story.
Prior to his birth, he was actually supposed to be born around the 28th of April of that year but there were circumstances that prevented that. My mother would go into labor and since her OB/GYN was on vacation, his substitute would try to delay the birth with medication. If you look at this length of time - my mother carried him almost 10 months. My mother and father were separated before his birth and while she was enjoying her freedom, sharing herself with just about anyone that would walk in the door. So that's where I question his paternity. I'm not sure of when my father and mother spent time together and when these other guys started walking in the door. There were circumstances in which I was a part of that he was actually born.
Remember at about this time I'm only in 5th grade. My mother had me go to a neighbor's trailer to do laundry and the son of the neighbor told me how to work the machine. He forgot an important factor - he forgot to tell me to put the hose in the sink, thus my mother and myself were mopping up water. All of a sudden she said she had to go to the hospital because she was in labor so I finished. So yeah, I'll never forget that.
Come to find out my brother was born with Cerebral Palsy and brain damage. We found out he was born with this condition because the cord was wrapped around his neck. The unfortunate thing was there was no telling how long it had been like this. So if he was born on his due date, or thereabouts, would he have been more functional? My mother was hounded by lawyers as they stated she had a case, but she refused. She said she didn't feel right about making money off of him like that. He ended up being my life and I did all I could to make things easier for my mom - who had 4 girls to deal with. He was always happy and as he grew he would lay on the floor and learned to roll around and laugh.
I remember one night in particular where he was crying and it wasn't his normal cry. My mother was frustrated and she wasn't getting any sleep. She would go in and yell at him, and yes - she would spank him. I got up and told her to go to bed that I would take over. I rocked him all night long until he finally went to sleep. My mother kept me home from school and she took him to the doctor. Come to find out he had epilepsy.
During this time my father wasn't sending support and my mother had to figure out where we would live. The company who owned the trailer wanted to evict us but because my brother was handicapped they couldn't. My mother finally called the Sheriff's Department and told them they had to in order for us to be moved into the "Projects".
I have often wondered why my father acted differently toward my brother - like he didn't accept him. I'm not sure if it was because of my brother's condition or was it the paternity. I have never asked him because this I felt was between him and my mother. But it is something I have thought about.
For the most part, I did what I could to keep my brother happy and make his life easy. Eventually my mother decided we couldn't handle him anymore as he was getting to big to handle. We eventually put him in an institution where he could get the care he needed. My mother met up with a woman who had a daughter there (my mother had never learned to drive) and she would take one of us up with her on her visit with him.
I remember one time I was there and we were waiting for my brother to be brought out. I saw a girl, who was handicapped, and I smiled at her. She came back at me saying "What are you laughing at?" Boy did that hurt, but I understood. I know she was just lashing out because she wasn't used to people just smiling at her, that she knew she was different. How sad to be a person in that position and not be able to trust people because she felt no one was giving her a smile - she thought the whole world was laughing. This world can be so cruel.
Eventually I moved to my dad's and didn't see much of Danny and I joined the Air Force. I was at my first base in Hawaii - arrived in September 1979. In January 1980, I was informed by my First Sergeant that my brother had passed away. Seeing that Hawaii was considered in an Overseas location, I had to catch a military flight back to the states and I was able to borrow money for the flight within the states. Understand that back in my day when I joined the Air Force, when we had to fly on a military flight, you were required to wear your blues. Since I had just joined not too long before that, my blues consisted of a skirt, blues jacket, blouse. When we were walking out on the tarmac I saw this plane - come to find out it was a C-130. Looking at this plane, there wasn't a walkway leading to the door. Holy crap! There's a friggin' ladder and it goes straight up. So here I am with my arms full and in a skirt. The loadmaster advised me to get at the back of the line since I was in a skirt. As I'm getting ready to climb this ladder with my backpack, he tells me I need to hold my skirt closed. My response was.... "If you haven't already seen what I've got, then you are the with the problem" and I continued to climb the ladder with no regard to holding my skirt closed. Shit my life was more important at that time considering I'm scared as hell of heights.
The funeral was hard on me as he was the first to pass in our family and I have carried this throughout my life. I like to think it's just him showing me that he still remembers everything I did for him. My mother made sure that my father was responsible for his funeral costs. Little did I know, that this would come up later...another blog to follow soon I'm sure.
When Danny was born we've always held this song true to him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jgma--0WYU
Danny I love and Miss you!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
My Intro
Well I'm not one to talk about myself, I like to keep things private in my life because the past has taught me that people will use it against you. Funny thing they call this human nature, when somethings humans do isn't very humane.
I'm me, I like me, I believe in me and there's a whole lot to me. This is the one thing I told myself I needed to do for several reasons. I don't have many friends, I like to keep everything in a close circle. The friends I do have are busy with their own family and lives, it's hard to get time with them. I miss my friends. I have a bestie that just moved to Florida and hope to visit soon. Another reason is sometimes I just need a sounding board and talking to myself is hard - I can be very hard on myself sometimes. Some people say I have a shell and I have to agree. Some think that I am hard and even mean but that's not the real me. My heart is easily broken and I just protect myself this way. Once you have broken through, then you will see the real me. I'm kind, generous, dependable, loyal among other things. If you are someone I hold close to my heart, I will die for you. But I do have my limits. The biggest thing is trust - you lose that with me and it's very hard to get that back. I could go on forever but I think I'll save more for later. I have so much to say once I start this blogging thing you end up telling me to shut up.
Oh, you want some background. Here's a little. I was born in Canada and my family moved to PA when I was 2. We lived there till I was about 8 and from there we moved to Florida where I spent most of my time. I am the oldest of 6, 4 girls (5 total) and my brother who passed away back in the 80's (he was 10), which will eventually be a blog of it's own I'm sure. My parents divorced after 13 years of marriage and moving around a couple of times while in Florida. When I was in 6th grade we had to move into government housing because of the divorce and that was an experience in itself. When I was in 10th grade I decided to move with my dad to Macclenny, Florida where I completed high school and then went to Lake City Community College for a year. When I graduated I told myself that there were 3 things I could do: go back to school, get a job, or join the military.
After going to college for a year I decided it wasn't my thing (kicking myself right now cause I should've finished that at least). I had a best friend, Linda, who we both started talking about joining the military. She suggested we both go into the Air Force and we did. She left before me - ending up in FE Warren AFB and I went on to Hickam AFB HI.
After a couple of moves, I got married and had 2 sons. I eventually adopted my sister's daughter when she was 4 and we became a whole family at that point. I have since gotten divorced and have been living my life as "single" for about 5 years. See I really don't keep the numbers, so it's an approximation. My children have grown and basically moved out of the house, which is scary. My oldest son has returned because he wasn't happy with this renting arrangement. Eventually he will leave. I'm kind of glad because after thinking about being alone, it's scary to think something could happen to me (at my age) and basically no one would know.
I have since joined the "unemployment" lines and at my age, it's hard. I did have a very good job but it was sub-contracted and the contract ended in September. With my experience (Military 21+ years) and other civilian experiences I often wonder what factors are these employers really looking at. Sigh. And I'm not one to fall into modes of depression, but during this time I have to literally do everything in my power not to. Good thing I am not much of a drinker and I can understand why my mother did. Hers was out of loneliness, still no excuse. I'm avidly applying, interviewing, trying to swoon a future employer but I wonder about what their real criteria is. The age, sex, race, religion thing comes to mind especially when I get those answers via email "We regret to inform you that you have not been selected for the position". I know I'm more than qualified for those positions. Frustrating.
There is more to me than any of this and I'm sure in the future you'll be reading some of them. I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me. Maybe something good will come of this in the end.
I'm me, I like me, I believe in me and there's a whole lot to me. This is the one thing I told myself I needed to do for several reasons. I don't have many friends, I like to keep everything in a close circle. The friends I do have are busy with their own family and lives, it's hard to get time with them. I miss my friends. I have a bestie that just moved to Florida and hope to visit soon. Another reason is sometimes I just need a sounding board and talking to myself is hard - I can be very hard on myself sometimes. Some people say I have a shell and I have to agree. Some think that I am hard and even mean but that's not the real me. My heart is easily broken and I just protect myself this way. Once you have broken through, then you will see the real me. I'm kind, generous, dependable, loyal among other things. If you are someone I hold close to my heart, I will die for you. But I do have my limits. The biggest thing is trust - you lose that with me and it's very hard to get that back. I could go on forever but I think I'll save more for later. I have so much to say once I start this blogging thing you end up telling me to shut up.
Oh, you want some background. Here's a little. I was born in Canada and my family moved to PA when I was 2. We lived there till I was about 8 and from there we moved to Florida where I spent most of my time. I am the oldest of 6, 4 girls (5 total) and my brother who passed away back in the 80's (he was 10), which will eventually be a blog of it's own I'm sure. My parents divorced after 13 years of marriage and moving around a couple of times while in Florida. When I was in 6th grade we had to move into government housing because of the divorce and that was an experience in itself. When I was in 10th grade I decided to move with my dad to Macclenny, Florida where I completed high school and then went to Lake City Community College for a year. When I graduated I told myself that there were 3 things I could do: go back to school, get a job, or join the military.
After going to college for a year I decided it wasn't my thing (kicking myself right now cause I should've finished that at least). I had a best friend, Linda, who we both started talking about joining the military. She suggested we both go into the Air Force and we did. She left before me - ending up in FE Warren AFB and I went on to Hickam AFB HI.
After a couple of moves, I got married and had 2 sons. I eventually adopted my sister's daughter when she was 4 and we became a whole family at that point. I have since gotten divorced and have been living my life as "single" for about 5 years. See I really don't keep the numbers, so it's an approximation. My children have grown and basically moved out of the house, which is scary. My oldest son has returned because he wasn't happy with this renting arrangement. Eventually he will leave. I'm kind of glad because after thinking about being alone, it's scary to think something could happen to me (at my age) and basically no one would know.
I have since joined the "unemployment" lines and at my age, it's hard. I did have a very good job but it was sub-contracted and the contract ended in September. With my experience (Military 21+ years) and other civilian experiences I often wonder what factors are these employers really looking at. Sigh. And I'm not one to fall into modes of depression, but during this time I have to literally do everything in my power not to. Good thing I am not much of a drinker and I can understand why my mother did. Hers was out of loneliness, still no excuse. I'm avidly applying, interviewing, trying to swoon a future employer but I wonder about what their real criteria is. The age, sex, race, religion thing comes to mind especially when I get those answers via email "We regret to inform you that you have not been selected for the position". I know I'm more than qualified for those positions. Frustrating.
There is more to me than any of this and I'm sure in the future you'll be reading some of them. I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me. Maybe something good will come of this in the end.
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