I wasn't sure where I wanted to go when I started writing so I thought I'd put the title in later. It was a toss up to either talk about women and their infidelity or my mother. I think I'll do the mother thing.
From what I understand from what my mother told me, her parents were very strict and she was an only child. From what I gathered during my childhood, I suspect that infidelity was the issue. After the divorce, or maybe even before the divorce, I'm not sure that my mother didn't have some issues in that area. She raised her girls to be respectful, to have moral character - to include that we shouldn't have sex prior to marriage. Since I was born in the late 50's, that was suppose to be the way of the world. I really don't remember much interaction between my mother and father, except the fighting and then I didn't even understand it. I just remember how she was after the divorce. Oh wait, I do remember an incident where my mother was arrested for shoplifting and she was in jail for 3 days. My dad was all about let's keeping this to ourselves and no one should know. However, this was a side of my mother that continued throughout her life. She'd steal from her friends or anyone. She was a kleptomaniac. Which come to think of it, I believe it was part of her selfish character.
Ok I know I shouldn't say bad things about my mother, but I'm always one to come out and say what's on my mind, if asked. She was never an angel and I'm also the type of person where I see character flaws, I have real issues with it. I'm no angel either but I do have a strict code I live by.
When my parents got divorced I just saw the ugly side of her which I have no doubt this had to do with how she was raised. I loved my grandparents and I never saw that side of them. I remember one time I was staying with them and I can't remember why - but I got pissed. So I went into their bathroom and locked the door from the inside and walked out closing the door behind me. Needless to say, they got pissed right back. My grandfather had to climb in through the bathroom window to unlock the door. Thank goodness they lived on the first floor of the apartment building. Look at me, I'm being distracted.
There were numerous occasions where my mother's selfishness were prevalent. She had 6 kids to raise on government assistance, with little support from my dad. But there were many times she would go out and buy herself things and little for us. Just to prove a point, I approached my mom one day and told her I needed more underwear. She told me to go ask my father. I knew in the back of my mind that my dad would say that he pays child support for that, and he did.
During this time she would also have male friends come over, if they would bring the beer. There were quite a few - one was even named Robin Hood. I was not impressed. One of my best friends lived caddy corner from us and my mother would go over to visit her mother. I knew something was up because I mother doesn't do that. My friend's mother had a boyfriend by the name of Tom. One day I came home from school to find out he was moving in. WTF? If he would do that to my friend's mother, he would do this to my mother. And you know, sometimes you just get this creepy feeling? Well I got it with him. There were several pervs that gave me that creepy feeling...One was a paramedic and he always told us that he did photography on the side. He would also ask us if we wanted to go into his darkroom to see what developed. Ok - back to the Tom episode. I had an issue with the majority of these men coming into our home, so I would occasionally walk up to them and tell them I hated them. My mother would go upstairs and she would call me to come up. I was in for it now. She laid into me, well she even laid my head into the concrete wall and made me go apologize. I found the only reprieve was to stay away from the house as much as possible. So I stayed at a friend's house - she lived across the street. I remember one night in particular, it was getting dark and my mother called me in. She went upstairs and there was Tom sitting in the dark in the living room. He told me to sit and he lectured me. I can't say for how long but the main point he was trying to push across to me was how he was going to provide for us and take care of us. All I heard was blah, blah, blah. Eventually he and my mom were supposedly looking at houses and I kept my ground. Didn't like him, never will. I remember my mom told me he was supposed to come over and he never showed. I probably had a lot to do with that, and my mother probably never forgave me for that.
Then there was this guy Joe who worked on the Shrimp boats. If I remember correctly he had probably served time too. I remember he would come home every night and sit in the recliner and smoke a pipe. I'll be damned if he wasn't smoking weed in that damn pipe. One night when I was upstairs and you could really smell it. I called my mom to come up and I told her - Did you know Joe is smoking weed in his pipe? She went downstairs and asked him, came back up and said yeah he's smoking weed. Really? Ummm we are living in government housing and you are going to subject your children to this, let alone we could lose our housing....
My mother didn't work, she had no skills and she had too many children to work. Half the time she was on Valium or drinking and she didn't care how we did in school. The kids were in charge of cooking and cleaning so I'd say she had it pretty easy. Except for the money thing. I know for one thing, if we went to KMart - I'd stay away from her cause I didn't want to get caught with her shoplifting. Yeah I did it too, later in life - but look at my role model. And once I turned 18 I quit.
Given the chance, my mom was not active in my life once I grew up and she was never involved in her grandchildren. I was really hoping that would've been different but it was never meant to be.
My mother passed away about 4 years ago, see this is the number thing and I don't keep count. As soon as I heard I found a flight to get over to Florida. I should have stayed home after what I found out. I arrive and my sisters take me to lunch. During lunch we were discussing what was being done with her remains. My sister, Rayanne (9 months younger than me), tells me that she is going to be cremated and buried next to Danny (see previous blog). OMFG are you kidding me? Let me give you some background.
After Danny's funeral and things settled down there came a time where I reached out to all my sisters so we could get some money together to put a marker on his grave site because he didn't have one. Everyone agreed that would be the thing to do. So I called my mother and she told me that the cemetery lost the paperwork on his grave site so basically he was buried there and they didn't know where. I wasn't happy, in fact heart broken, but I went along with it. So back to the lunch....
I turned to Rayanne and I said that I thought his grave site was lost. She told me that mom told me that because she was scared that dad hadn't paid for the funeral. I was SO PISSED! Of all the things she did in her life, she lied to me about my brother when I wanted to put a marker on his grave site. Needless to say, the memorial was a waste as I was so pissed and everything a mother should have been was displayed because the mother I knew did the worse thing she could have done - lied to me! And not just any lie, it was a lie that was due to her being selfish.
When my grandmother passed away she left some money to my mother, and from what I understand she wanted her to give us some. We never saw a penny, instead she bought a house. Did she buy a marker for her son's grave? No. She knew where he was buried. She lead me to believe all these years that he was lost in that cemetery with no marker.
Forgive and forget? I can't. The is the ultimate lie, the ultimate let down, the unforgivable. The bible tells us to forgive but it doesn't tell us to forget. And I know everyone will tell me that until I forgive, I will carry this with me for the rest of my life. I just can't. Not only did she do this to me, she did this to my brother. She might as well have stuck a knife in my heart because that is exactly what it feels like.
I can only say that because of the things she did wrong in raising her children, when I became a mother I did a whole lot better. I taught my children to respect, to have moral character, to have integrity and hold your head high and I was their example to follow. I was their leader, their teacher, the supporter and so much more.
And yes, I will live with this for the rest of my life and that is fine for me. I will never forgive or forget, because I can't. How can a mother do that and not have a conscience?
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